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Name: Q stole
Gender: Female
Interests: this fanfic, my wierd website, star trek, stf.net, stuff
Expertise: being CRAZY!
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Member Since:
3/13/2004
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| To the Death Guest star: Valeris
QSMB and PK are in Quark's chatting and enjoying not having to do anything productive when a familar face appears. And a body...attached to the face, that is. Who could it be? Why, none other than VALERIS the OTHER girl who luuuuvs Spock! She walks over to QSMB and looks veryyy angry.
"QSMB, I thought I'd never get a chance to do this, but, I challenge you to a duel!" Valeris yells.
"On what grounds? I mean, you can't just challenge anyone to a duel, you've got to have a reason. It's not like you'd win anyways..." said PK.
"Oh, please, I could take ANY human! And I have a perfectly good reason to duel her...I'm supposed to be the only girl who loves Spock!" screamed Valeris
PK rolled her eyes "It's not like she's dating him..."
"DON'T RUB IT IN!" QSMB shook her fist at PK "And Valerie, sorry to ruin your hopes and dreams, but I'm immortal." QSMB shoots herself in the head with a phaser set on kill "See? It's not like I could just becomr mortal in an instant." Then Q appears.
"Did somebody call?" he says "I've got a marvelous idea: I'll take away that mutant's powers, and then you can fight to the death. Winner takes all: Spock, immortality, and bragging rights."
Quark walks over with a greedy smile "Can this be a spectator event?"
Valeris, QSMB, and whoever paid the ridiculously high addmision soon find themselves in...the collusium. Q is wearing a reffee shirt "Now, ladies, I want a clean fight. Acctually, I mean the opposite of that. I want it messy. Lots of blood. Bloooood. Let's get it on!"
"Wait a sec." said QSMB "Don't we get to choose weapons?"
"Oh yeah!" said Q "I had forgotten that someone can't kill people with her bare hands anymore. But I'll do the choosing: Velveeta gets a broadsword, and the former mutant gets an axe. Now, for serious, let's get it on!"
Valeris brandished her sword menacingly as QSMB struggled to lift her axe. Nem cheered for Val (he placed a big bet on her) which RC thwacked him for. QSMB got a marvelous idea. She abandoned her axe and started screaming and running around in circles, hoping to confuse Val. Val scratched her head "I was right, all humans are idiots." while Val is utterly confused, QSMB tackles her, and begins to strangle her, but then stops, get up and turns to the crowd. "I can't do it. I have no bloodlust as a mortal. Val, you seemed like such a nice person, but we let our greed blind us, so let's be friends. To celebrate our civilezed, peaceful nature let's all join hands and sing a Klingon war song."
Everyone appears back at Quarks, Q grininng hugely, approaches QSMB. "Congrats, you passed the test." he said.
"Test?!" QSMB scratched her head.
"What do I do other than test people?! You;ve earned your immortality license." Q disappeared.
"What the..." said PK
THE END | | |
| Episode 24: Arachniphobia
The crew of the starship
formerly know as Dysfunct has returned to DS9 to discuss matter of the
Dysfunct A. Of course, they are in their usual spot of metting: Garak's
shop. Gotcha! Acctually, they're in Quarks. Quark approaches QSMB,
DrWho42, Echo, and PK with a container containing some huge taranulas.
PK shrieks and cowers under a table.
"A friend of mine found these guys in the Gamma Quadrant, and he said they make great pets. Wanna buy some?" said Quark.
"Sure,
who doesn't want mysterious and pontentially venomus tarantulas from a
section of the galaxy that we know little about?" says Echo. DrWho pets
the new pet, and then it bites him. He passes out. Then he's promptly
brought to Jadzia's bedroom. Gotcha again, he's taken to sickbay, where
Bashir makes a startiling discovery.
"That spider was radioactive." he tells Echo, PK, and QSMB. Echo's eyes well up with tears
"Will my Benypoo be okay?" she whimpers.
"Benypoo is fine, just radioactive." says Bashir.
"Look
what I can do!" says DrWho42 and he shoots webby stuff to the celling
"I'm like a comic book character, except not a comic, and not a
character in a book. Let's go work on that ship design." Then the
station goes on red alert! Then some random DS9 redshirt runs in.
"Doctor,
Sisko wants to see you. I mean, the doctor who got bit by the spider."
says the reshirts before getting crushed by a chunk of the celling that
randomly fell. Bashir pouts, jelous that Sisko doesn't want to talk to
him "Why couldn't I be a radioactive time travler?" Then Bashir smashes
his head against the wall repeatedly. Meanwhile, DrWho42 goes to talk
with Sisko.
"Doctor, the fate of the station and possibly the rest
of the quadrant rests in your hands. There's this weird guy outside,
and he's wrecking havoc on the station. SAVE US!"
"Sweet." says
DrWho42 as he heads outside (being able to defy the laws of nature he
doesn't need to breathe) and he sees A DUDE WITH 8 LIMBS! Ok, 4 of them
are mechanical, but you get the point.
"This seems really
familliar..." says DrWho42 as he tries to disconnect one of the
mechanical arms. The eight limbed dude easily flicks him off. DrWho42
goes careening through space when he come up with a novel idea: he
instantly appears back inside the station and the freak/villian/dude is
gone.
"Great job destroying that creep!" said RC.
"Who said I destroyed him?! He was cool, I just sent him to the delta quadrant. What can he possibly do there?"
MEANWHILE ON VOYAGER...
"Captain,
sensors are picking up a dude, who apparantly doesn't need to breathe
and has 4 mechanical arms on the hull." says Tom Paris "He's trying to
rip the ship apart...THERE'S A HULL BREACH ON DECK 4!"
Janeway rolls her eyes "Why does the bad crap always happen to my ship?"
END! | | |
| Episode 23:Space Nomads
The Romulans took the crew of the old USS Dysfunct back to DS9 so they could design and build a new ship and replinish their supply of redshirts. Amoung the various new ensigns one stood out: PittyKitty.
QSMB and DrWho were at Quarks discussing their plans for the new ship and enjoying cold beverages; QSMB had blood (of course) and DrWho42 had something lime green and bubbling that smelled like cheesecake.
"You know," said DrWho to QSMB "I think that PittyKitty girl is kinda nice. I acctually hope she doesn't die."
QSMB gasped "I don't think anyone other than Jim has ever shown compassion towards a redshirt before. I just hope that not everyone thinks that all the girls from our ship are like Claire." QSMB glares at Claire, who's giving a shoulder massage to some Klingon guy. "Speaking of which, got any ideas for the new ship?"
"Oh yeah!" says DrWho42 "I think we should keep it looking the same generally, but just soup it up! I mean make it faster, more weapons, and how about making it more masculine? I mean like a fooseball table, and lots of beer, and no froo-froo interior decorating."
"Ummm. I like the first two ideas, but me and RC worked hard on that interior decorating! I'm sure some how we can make fooseball tables, beer can pyramids and neon signs go with the interior decorating." said QSMB
"Whatever. Now I'm thinking that we could get this puppy up to warp 20..." then Harry ran in and interupted.
"Hey, guys, guess what?" yelled Harry "That Klingon who Claire gave the massage to is letting us rent his ship! See, I told you she'd be useful." The whole crew runs to the Klingon ship.
When they get on the Klingon ship, they're shocked at how spartan it is. "EEEEEWWWWWW! It smells like Klingon B.O." says QSMB, so she and the rest of the girls proceed to scatter scented candles. Then everyone gets ready to leave the station, and to be festive QSMB dresses in Klingon attire.
"My chair's too hard." said VBG
"My chair's way too hard." said RC
"Mine's Juuuuuuuuuust right." said QSMB
"Ok...so how do you turn this thing on?" said VBG as he looked at the Klingon controls. QSMB pushed some random buttons and the controls were no longer in Klingon. They were in Japanese. Then she smacked her head against the wall and pushed some more buttons. The controls were finally in English, but it was some funky calligraphy, still it was somewhat legible.
"Let's see what this puppy can do!" said VBG "QSMB, take us away from the station." QSMB manages to get the ship away from the station, but also manages to get some dents in it and scratch the paint job. "Now let's go....into the wormhole!" They get into the wormhole, but, once inside, THEY GET STUCK!
QSMB curls up into on the floor and starts to go mental "You're all gonna die.....I'll be here alone...for the rest of enterinity...OH THE HUMANITY!" she sobs.
Echo rolls her eyes "Get a grip, this kind of stuff happens all the time." she says. Then these weird flying monkeys start coming through the walls. QSMB screams bloody murder. She's never told anyone before, but she's horrified of flying monekys. Then Nem the janitor runs in. "Have you met my cousins yet?" he asks "They can help us get out of here, isn't that neat?"
The flying monkeys help them get out of the wormhole, so they can decide on aonther, less wormholey destination.
THE END | | |
| Episode 22: Stir Crazy
The USS Dysfunct goes sprialling through space, but you would never be able to tell, they were cloaked. And QSMB is driving. On top of that, DrWho42 turned off the gravity, just for fun.
"I think I'm gonna be space sick." says VBG as every spins through the air. "Who's idea was it to let her drive?!" Just after VBG said that the ship crashed onto some little planet. The veiwscreen got all static and QSMB stared at it and said "I love this show!"
"Didn't you see that planet?" asked Jim.
"Uh, no, it was invisible. We were cloaked, remember?" replied QSMB.
"The cloaking device makes US invisible, not other things!" said Jim as he rolled his eyes.
"Oh, that's much more practical." said QSMB. "Well, as the cheif engineer, I'll go see if anything's still working." QSMB runs off.
"Captain, why couldn't we have a competent chief engineer?"
asked Jim.
"Well..." said VBG "She was just...um...trying to be funny...I think...Anyway how about you, RC, LOTB, and Ensign John Doe go check out this place?" Jim, RC, LOTB, and Ensign John Doe run off to check out the planet.
VBG taps his commbadge. It doesn't work. "ACK! No service?!?" In anger he throws it to the floor, then runs to sickbay to talk with The Doctor. When he gets there The Doctor says "Please state the nature of you medical emergency."
"Doc, you're real, you don't need to say that anymore." VBG says.
"I know, but I like saying it, it's my catch phrase." said The Doctor.
"Ok, Have we had any casualites?" asked VBG.
"Just some redshirts." said The Doctor.
"That's a relief." said VBG. Then QSMB comes running in.
"I BROKE EVERYTHING!" she wails. "But I did find this 100 year old twinkie. Anyone want it?" Then RC and Jim come in.
"We've been looking everywhere for you." she said. "We don't have any commbadge service."
"I told you we should have gotten that other plan." said Jim.
"Anyway," said RC "There's no itelligent life here apart from us..."
Takara starts to sob "NOOOOOOO...I'll never see Lore again!"
"...But" RC continued, trying to ignore Takara "We found this mansion, this thing looks like it belongs on earth."
"And it has food replicators" said Jim "Best beer and steak I've ever had!"
"What happened to LOTB and John Doe?" asked VBG.
"They died." said RC in a nonchalant way. Everyone decided that they should go live in this mansion, but they had no idea of what they had in store. DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!
They enter the mansion, and it looks normal enough. But then the random organ in the corner starts to play all by itself! However, no one is the least bit creeped out.
"Oooooo!" says Echo "This place is haunted. Neat!" She and DrWho42 float off to go find the ghosts. Then the walls start to bleed, and QSMB, being a vampire, licks it off. Nem swings from the chandellier, and Jim goes out to shoot some fuzzy animals. Overall, everyone is making the most of the situation. After a few hours DrWho42 and Echo come floating back.
"We found the ghosts!" said Echo "And they used their ghostly telepathic abilities to contact the Romulans,"
"So we're not stranded anymore." said DrWho42.
"But we were having so much fun!" says Nem as he hangs upside down.
"Haven't you ever seen The Shining?" says Echo "Jack Nicolson went totally mental when he got snowed in."
"What I want to know" said Jim "is whenever we need help, why do the Romulans always come to the rescue?"
"Because they're my friends, and they get a lot of bad press, and I want you all to know that they're acctually really cool people. Besides, I'm writing this fanfic!"
Before too long a Romulan ship come to the rescue, and the crew of the Dysfunct gets beamed aboard. QSMB rab up to the first Romulan she saw and gave him a big hug.
"Thank you, thank you thank you! I thought we were all gonna die!" she says.
"QSMB, you're immortal." says The Doctor.
"I know, but I was so scared that I forgot." says QSMB.
"I'm gonna miss that ship." said Jim.
"It's dead, Jim." said QSMB.
"Aw, come on." said DrWho42 "With my and Echo's abilities to break the laws of phsyics and your lack of knowledge about engineering we can make a new, more dsyfunctional USS Dysfunct."
"But that one had no bloody A,B,C or D." said QSMB.
THE END | | |
| Episode 21: Androids
"DrWho42, what's up with this." asked VBG.
"Well," explained DrWho "It's a parallel universe. I said that it would be hard getting back from the 22nd century."
"I see." said VBG "Harry, run a scan, I want to see what this place is like."
"It's exactly like Earth in the 20th century, I think we just went further back in time." said Harry.
"I know these things." said DrWho42 "And I say that this is NOT our universe."
"Let's send an away team down, just to confirm stuff." said RC. "If it's like Earth in the 20th century we should easily be abe to infiltrate them and really get an inside look."
"I've hacked into the computers." said Harry "I've found a good looking place for us to check out. It's a protected community in the suburbs. An away team of two would be sufficant, any more might look suspicious. The two of them could buy a house and really get a good inside look. We can have the computer replicate money."
"Good thinking. Now...who to send down. Harry, I want you to go...now lemme see...the other person should be a girl, then they'll look like a married couple. How about QSMB?"
"No can do, Captain." she replied "The sunlight will kill me." Then the doctor entered.
"I beg to differ." said the doctor "I've run many tests and have found that sunglight in no way will harm you. That myth just came about because your kind does not like the light, and also because when they went to other planets they hid in the shadows to look less conspicous."
"Great." moaned QSMB "I have to pretend to be Harry's wife." In preperation for their trip them replicated tons of money and a car, so they would blend in. They beamed down to a hidden spot when they realized something bad: Harry couldn't drive.
"Move over!" said QSMB "Your inferior mortal brain would take too long to figure it out." QSMB slammed the gass to the floorand the sped right up to the gate of the suburban comunity. The security guard asked them for their names.
"Ummm...Kim?" said QSMB. They enter the community and see that it looks perfect...too perfect. When they get to the house that they came to look at they're greeted by an extremely perky woman. Maybe too perky.
"Oh Hellooooooo, Harry! This must be your wife, what did you say her name was?"
"Um...Oprah." said Harry.
"Great! Let's look around this place!" she squealed.
"You know what." said Harry. "We looked at the pictures online, it's prefect we'll buy it now." QSMB opened her purse, which overflowed with replicated money.
"Great!" said the perky woman "It's already furnished, so you can move right on in. We'll have a housewarming party at eight." QSMB and Harry went into the new house and sat down in the couch infront of the TV. QSMB turned on the TV.
"Hey, look, Enterprise is on!" she said. Harry screamed and had a seizure. QSMB had to take Harry to the hospital, and they were back in time for the housewarming party. All of the other women were exactly like the one they had met earlier: beautiful, blonde, and perky. This was too strange. When no one was looking QSMB took out her tricorder too make sure that they were feeling alright, but the readings she got were shocking: ALL OF THE WOMEN WERE 100% MECHANICAL!!! She grabbed Harry to tell him what she discovered.
"Harry, all these women are robots!" she said.
"Don't you mean androids?" said Harry.
"Data is an android, Data thinks for himself, Data is intelligent. These women mindlessly serve men, I would never put them in the same category as Data." she replied.
"So you have a problem with hot android women who mindlessly serve men?" he asks, somewhat shocked. QSMB just glares. They go back to the party to confront the others.
"Look." QSMB says to the guys "We know that your wives are mindless robot slaves..."
"And I want one!" says Harry as he reached into his pockets and pulls out a wad of replicated money. Harry gets a custom-made robotic lady, who ended up looking like 7 of 9 in a teensy black leather outfit. They went back to the Dysfunct where Harry was excited to show off his new friend. They went to the bridge.
"Look what I got! I call her Claire." Claire stepped off the turbolift and said in a seductive voice. "Resistance is futile. All the guys were in a kind of trance, so Echo had to get them back to their own universe, and she was successful of course. After some time VBG finally said "We have a new science officer."
THE END! | | |
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